Sunday, February 5, 2012
Reality cheek
I am struggling and I really didn't know with what until I sat down at the monthly meeting.I listened to everyone who was there and thought "now there's some real goals and accomplishments." I even knew what I was going to say right up until it was my turn to open my mouth. It was like this black hole had opened up under me and I was at the bottom. I have made small attempts at getting out but can't quit see daylight. In some ways it was liberating. I know longer have to pretend to be able to do what I cannot. There is no use standing at the back of a class or thinking "I'm out of the way and no one can see me" It is all right there in the way I move or should I say how I can't move.At that moment I hit one of the lowest points in my life since I have had the "stroke" there I said it out loud. The word itself brings up such overwhelming feelings of defeat,fear, anxiousness and shame. How could I have done this to my body.At this point in the meeting I wanted nothing more than to crawl out of there and leave the real Kung Fu students to the guts of the program. I am truly ashamed. But I have never let my kids quit in the middle of something they started. I pushed them to the end and I will do the same. By the standards set out by the Ultimate Black belt test I have already failed miserably but in the sprit of the art which I truly love I will see it to the end with as much passion I can muster at this point of my life.I am what I most fear, the weakest point in the link. I will endeavor not to bring the rest of the team down with me. Any help anyone can offer is appreciated.
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6 comments:
You are one of the strongest links, most people are struggling to get better at something, you are struggling to survive. You are in a class of your own and all should be asking themselves, how can I be more like her? You are inspiring and you set a high standard each time you step on the mats.
I totally agree with Sifu Kichko. You are an inspiration and I'm thrilled that you are on the team.
Sifu. Before I saw what was written before me, I was going to write the same thing. But now, i'm just going to give you crap....just kidding. Seriously, you are an inspiration to me and that's all I can say without getting mushy! Keep on showing us what it takes to be a true martial artist! I'm serious. See you in a couple weeks.
I am going to give you crap:)...many times we discuss the true martial artist as more than just the physical aspect,its only a portion,more important is the mental and spiritual strength and insight we develope. Not to be "kung fu cliche" lets look at Bruce Lee, whom spent months with a broken back, using this time to strenghten his fortitude and when told he may not walk defyed all.
I would never pretend to know your challenges but I can remind you of the leadership, example, common sense approach you have always shared with me personally, those qualities are still there. I see you forging through a different path not trying to regain ground you lost,on the same path that led you to your first degree black belt.
Anyone of us can fall to health issues but how many of us can stand and fight back inch by inch. That comes from inside, not any gym or training regime.
I.m sorry for the rant, but you make me wonder if I would have the guts you have..
Sifu you will always be an inspiration to me. You were one of my first instructors and without your kind words and corrections when I first started I know I wouldn't be anywhere near where I am today. You provided me with a base that has grown and grown. There are no weak links on the team only people at different stages of their training and ability. I learn so much from every class, every meeting and even just from casual conversation with everyone in the school. My life and my negative mind set has begun to change into a more positive and hopeful outlook. I couldn't have done that without having amazing people such as yourself inspiring me.
Good morning, here are your greatest attributes as I see it, and we have spent a lot of time together in the morning class. You are compassionate, humble, and caring. Your greatest strength is being able to read people's emotions and state of being at a particular moment in time. I guess this is called perception but I would call it a gift as few people have this. You are also a mentor to myself and many others that I know of. Keep your head high and have fun!
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